i haven't kissed someone on valentine's day in four years. it was worse going back year by year and figuring when and why. or in this case why not. and it may have been five, i'm not sure. [not like it being only four years instead of five makes it better, at that point it's useless..] which of course also means it's been four years since i was last kissed on my birthday. not that i'm really caught up in needing one on such a specific day, but given it is double-whammy nature for me, it is a bit less than fun. i just noticed [well i've known for some time that it was as it is, but just realized that being how it is makes it asymmetric] that my jawbone [mandible] isn't symmetric. not that i'm perfectly symmetric otherwise, just saying it's rather not so. but at the same time it's hidden under a bit of skin and tissue so it would take some good perception to notice with out much face fondling. and if someone is close enough [in an interpersonal relationship sort of way] to do that, they'd better damn well be close enough for them to then kiss me while smiling at my frankenstein's monster piecemealish body. i can already tell it would be cute. then again, so would most things, eh?

i could almost call miss cleo, i like her accent, but when you start bringing in former real world cast members, something isn't right.

i wish i could disconnect from myself and let my body go on autopilot. i need some few weeks of sleep or just being removed from life. it's exhausting, and i don't even mean in a physical sense. i mean i can't even think of anything to say because my head is full of stuff. and it's stuff i can't figure, which doesn't really clarify as i can figure so little. but i couldn't pull something out of the dust cloud that is inside my head and tell you what it is or why it's clogging as it is, as i have no idea what is stuck in there, i just know it's giving me headaches and keeping me from figuring things out or what to write. a few things remain fantastically clear however, one being that when i walk to my mattress in a few minutes, it's going to be empty, and as much as i adore those moments of actual falling into sleep and out of consciousness, i would hold them off a few minutes each night to watch and hear and hold someone else's moments. i can only really think of one person's and they were years ago. they remind me how wonderfully endearing it is; unfortunately far removed from the present though as well. it's horrible not to be happy as is. i know. i would like to play the "i'm entitled today of all day's" card, but that was two hours ago at best, and i do it all the time.

i think maybe i should learn to love my dust cloud..


"send the poison rain
down the drain
to put
bad thoughts in my head.
with two tickets torn in half
and a lot
of nothing to do,
do you miss me,
miss misery
like you say you do?" -e.s.


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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

needle in the hay-ay..