i just spent the better part of four or five hours sitting and talking with people i have known almost my entire life. close friends from childhood that i have had the good fortune to not lose, thus far. and the whole time i am sitting there regardless of the stories being told and there were some very funny ones i am feeling isolated.

and it is nothing that they did, but just everything that went on. they're all married and have children, or are in the last weeks of the process of forming a child's body at this very moment, and there is no closeness between the individuals in said couples. no honest affection.

and so i feel like some sort of leper, as is, but then, i want to be close to someone. i do not want "a glass wall to run the middle of the bed," or for someone to not touch me when i am sleeping. [and yes, that is a direct quote from the evening.]

fair enough, i have never been married, nor do i have children. but i know enough to know that if i ever do get married, i would like to have a wife, not a roommate.

and so the thought creeps in on the drive home, that has been creeping in for a while now. what if i just don't meet the right person? and i don't mean anything by "the right person," just someone. and i know that is borderline theatrical, but it is an honest thought when it comes.

i mean, i know people who hate each other who are together, and while i don't want anything close to that, i do want something with someone. not just, but not not either.

maybe it is better to be lonely than disillusioned. but i think i may be both, and no better off.

i guess what i mean is that.. if there were a way to pull the plug in the bath and just disappear down the drain.. ... .

i've had enough already.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

let me be empty and weightless and maybe..