brushing aside how i feel about myself, i think people give me far too much credit. no, what i mean is that they seem to assume a far more optimistic version of me exists than the one that actually does. and by that all i really mean is that my thoughts are consistently darker and more painful than people know about.
that is probably the case with a lot of people, and i do not want anyone doting on or fussing over me. and besides the one person who actually owes some, i do not need anyone's sympathy or sad looks. i said all of that so that i could say that it is weird to have had as many talks with people as i have had and to not be able to share with anyone this part of how i feel or what i have been thinking.
i would either be overthinking things, or taking things too far, or not being serious. or i would be immature or not taking the longview, or something.
and i guess at this point everyone just assumes i am fine. that i am over it all. over her. i cannot even imagine that. i have been the opposite of over her for almost exactly seven years. this is going to fuck me up for a long time.
fallen leaves in the night