let us face hypothetical facts; if sleep were a class, i would be failing it horribly. oh sure, i can put in a lot of extra credit hours at odd times, mostly when i should be doing other things. as for sleeping around the same time as the rest of my longitude, i, how do you say, suck at it.

brushing aside how i feel about myself, i think people give me far too much credit. no, what i mean is that they seem to assume a far more optimistic version of me exists than the one that actually does. and by that all i really mean is that my thoughts are consistently darker and more painful than people know about.

that is probably the case with a lot of people, and i do not want anyone doting on or fussing over me. and besides the one person who actually owes some, i do not need anyone's sympathy or sad looks. i said all of that so that i could say that it is weird to have had as many talks with people as i have had and to not be able to share with anyone this part of how i feel or what i have been thinking.

i would either be overthinking things, or taking things too far, or not being serious. or i would be immature or not taking the longview, or something.

and i guess at this point everyone just assumes i am fine. that i am over it all. over her. i cannot even imagine that. i have been the opposite of over her for almost exactly seven years. this is going to fuck me up for a long time.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

fallen leaves in the night