in my attempts to figure this, or some bit, of this out i've tried many possible reasons, many of which i don't believe at all, just to see if any of them would make sense. one of them is the possibility that i have a very active mind. but to be honest, that just isn't true. my idea of a perfect day is one of half-sleep next to the female personification of love and comfort. this simple ideal proves at least two things contrary to the hypothesis of the paragraph. first, that my idea of perfection involves little, if any, mental labor. and second, that surely half the world, at one time or another in their individual lives has come to a similar thought of what may be perfect, proving i'm not coming up with anything new. [which also rules out me being 'so creative that i am constantly seeking new things']

another is that, ruling out the creativity bit, that i just need a constant influx of ideas and concepts and, well, stuff, basically something similar to some warped type of a.d.d. but if that were true i wouldn't go to the same chinese restaurant for what is approaching eight years now. and i wouldn't hang out with the same friends all the time, and i wouldn't watch the same movies over and over and i wouldn't keep interests once new ones come in, as they'd replace them. but that's not true.

maybe i'm just more inquisitive and/or innovative than most others. [again, i used many a hypothesis i didn't believe in myself.] but that's a load. i've come up with no new concepts that are rocking the world, or even any small part of it. i've not asked any questions that've made people fall on their arse because it was so amazing. i've no theories, be they scientific, mathematical, managerial, or of any other subject, named after me. i haven't written anything that hasn't been written before [for example i've heard "i haven't written anything that hasn't been written before" at least two dozen times in the past decade], and i haven't changed the world. to such an extent have i not, with the exception of very few people, and i'm being serious and not nihilistic nor am i depressed, i could disappear and no one's lives would change one bit. so there goes that one.

maybe it is because i'm smarter than others. this one is obviously easily dismissible, if for no other reason than the fact i may be able to fill up one hand with the number of people i know who seem less intelligent than myself. maybe. not to mention all the people i know [let alone those i do not know] who are many times smarter than me, and they are focused and dedicated and involved with a few key pursuits and are happy. this is a wildly stupid hypothesis, so much so that the truth becomes obvious because of it. the exact opposite.

so while driving back from campus and my philosophy class this morning, or while sitting in my car in the parking lot across from the building my class is in and reading over my last exam, the truth of the matter hit me. i am a blithering idiot. to such extent is that hypothesis correct, that i am not angered by it and seeking a less degrading answer, a less embarrassing one, one that would paint me less the fool. no, instead, i'm practically out of my head ecstatic that it finally makes sense. the fact that it took so long to get to such a simple answer, proves the answer doubly true. [not to mention i tried typing part of this with one hand while using the other to hold the banana i was eating, when dropping the banana on the keyboard would have provided more progress.] and in a final proof, the only thing i can think of to say is that the banana was good.

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