i am still in the same relationship i was in when i wrote a few years ago, a few posts ago. it is now my longest relationship at around 4.5yrs. but i'm not sure if it is going to make it to 5. she seems unhappy and i'm not sure that i can give her what she wants.

i feel stuck, mentally. by that i mean, maybe i should leave for her sake and for mine. but not only do i love her and care for her, when i think about leaving her alone, it hurts to think of abandoning her. i should note that she is fiercely independent and may or may not miss me at all, but she doesn't need me. but i still don't want to hurt her.

what i'm not sure of is whether my difficulty in letting go is clouding my judgment or if i think we should try better, try harder. i don't know. on top of that, i live in her house, so an end is also finding a new place to live, alone. prior to this relationship, i had gotten good at being alone, i think. i don't feel good at it anymore. not that that is a reason to stay, just that it is yet another thing floating around making my view of the situation that much more difficult. a long time ago, feeling down, i wrote here that i don't think i'm good for people long term. i think about that still.

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"i'm just an insect..."




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20.08.20
12.29p
number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

i'm just an insect