that last thing i wrote (six weeks ago) about not feeling close to anyone has either reappeared or is still hanging around. i'm not sure which.

i spent yesterday out with friends to include one whom i've previously entertained the idea of -- and discussed with -- being with longer term. while not important to this, i don't think, those thoughts have changed. however, while i was driving home after the whole day with friends and then the return drive with said friend, i felt really alone.

i'm not sure if it was simply the vacuum left by no longer being around people after so many hours, if it was a general longing, or perhaps a specific one.

but the real problem it all leads me to is that i don't know what i want. at all. and while i don't think one needs to have it figured out at my age, i do think i should know myself well enough to know whether i want someone around or if i want to just be alone. that seems simple to know. but i don't. i'm really dumb at times.


-