i've thought of this analogy at least twice now. i still haven't fully worked it out, but maybe i'll get lucky while typing. the cursor has been blinking for about five minutes.

even though i generally keep my place fairly cool, i'm rarely cold. i enjoy a good blanket, but usually that is enough. and my showers are moderately warm. there are times, however, when even blankets are not enough. and the showers on those days are, at least to me, painfully hot just to try to warm up.

and that is roughly how it's been since the end of the last relationship i was in. most of the time everything is fine. but sometimes i really feel that missing person in the passenger seat. the missing cold feet in bed. the simple lack of affection.

but this warmth is almost painful. i'm really good on my own. i'm not sure when or how i developed this ability, because i used to hate it, but i am. and though i'm not afraid of commitment, i don't think, i'm not sure i want it. and so as much as i'm drawn to it, at times, i want to pull away because it can feel (uncomfortable isn't the word but that's all i can think of that is close).

a very unfortunate result of this has been that i've ended or not pursued relationships that may come back to haunt me. while i've previously mentioned that i have perpetually felt younger than i am, i am fully aware that my luck in attracting the occasional woman will fail in the relatively near future. i'm not sure what to do about knowing that though.


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