i don't know if this happened entirely before or only after someone totaled my car, but at some point i quit caring about them. i've always enjoyed driving. a lot. it was an escape, and i didn't have a bad home life, it was just an escape. and i find it fun. but i've previously let that lead to too much attachment to my car. and it took some dings and dents and reflection and eventually i accepted? realized? took them as things that brought me enjoyment and little else. i won't say no, but less attachment. a general theme i think i had extended to most of my life at that point but the cars were the last thing.

so i do wonder if that perspective has colored how i interact with people in relationships. let me be clear, i do not and have never viewed someone as a "thing that brought me enjoyment and little else." moreso that they are people that can do whatever they want, as am i, and that ending a relationship is something that always a possibility and does not necessarily mean anything beyond that. i care about people close to me a lot. but they are people, just like me. and we are all responsible for our own lives.

some people find me cold, distant. i hold onto more than is probably healthy for someone to hold onto. and when they come up, intentionally or not, they have an impact. but i can either drown in them or keep going. and i try, not always successfully, to do the latter.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

we've brought this on ourselves