going through some old files i came across one that i clearly saved for its description of how i feel at times. "[a] letter lies unopened on the kitchen table. since i don't know what it says, it could say almost anything. This remains true until the moment i open it, when all possibilities dissolve into a single reality." [source]

i had forgotten all about this and was actually looking for another piece of his that i had saved (which i found as well) when i rediscovered this. it is as complete a description as i've ever thought of or read to describe how i feel when i get an email or text from someone and that message may have significant implications.

the common explanation i use is pleasure delayer, which comes from a movie, and seems more perverse than i'd like. the bit i particularly like from that quoted description is that it highlights the prolonged, albeit nonreal, potential for the message to include anything. and when times are unsure, i find myself almost preferring to live in that space. that, in itself, is weird to me as i so often prefer concrete definition and understanding, but it's there nevertheless.