in my head, she is doing fine. happy to be free of me, the chore of driving down here or me having a bad day. basically, all of the problems i added are gone and whatever benefit or happiness that i brought is dismissable and replaceable.

of course this is all in my head and that is hardly reliable. it's not fair as that belittles any potential pain or sadness she might feel. but that is how it seems.

luckily my mind doesn't torture me with thoughts of her seeing other people. while i don't imagine that she is, just yet, she'll have plenty to choose from when the time comes. she's charming and funny, beautiful and smart.

in my head it seems no one will get her like i did. no one will appreciate how tiny things are so cute. but that's not true and people will see. i've dated a handful of women, but only one or two were really unique.

i remember this one time i had sushi at this tiny place in virginia and while i cannot recall exactly what made this one roll so different, i know that to that point i had never had anything like it and i haven't since. while i hate to compare a relationship with someone to that, i am.

in this case she was completely new to me in so many ways. there were innumerable times where she would do or say something that was so unexpected or unusual to me, in a good way, that i would laugh. either out of surprise or because it was so cute. she seemed to hate that because there were so many times that i couldn't explain what was so funny. rather than laughing at her it was usually just the joy of being around her that came out.

i pushed her away, not on purpose but it doesn't really matter, and i was surprised and hurt when she chose to go away.

when we returned items left at the others' home, i included some stuff that wasn't technically hers but that i figured she would enjoy more than me. she asked if i did that to rid myself of things that remind me of her, and i told her no, that was not a goal of mine. what i didn't say is that i could have gutted my place and not have achieved that.

everything is tied to her. i bought cologne yesterday. the experience�new store, new scents�reminded me of going with her. movies, tv, grocery shopping, cooking, food, hanging out with friends.. i haven't slept in my bed in over a month. i've slept on the couch.

i know the process. i know that in time comes some amount of calmness and peace and the ability to move on. i am aware that life goes on and doesn't stop just because it appears that way from inside my head. i am acutely aware of that. but it hasn't sunk in.

you learn about the moon and the planets in science classes growing up but it did not click for me until i saw them through a telescope at the age of 20. even now there are only rare moments when the moon really stands out to me as more than a thing in the sky; and it is thrilling and unsettling when it happens. maybe this is like that. but i feel like i am starting at zero and i've got to learn a lot before anything will make sense.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

when sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions