harm someone special and amazing, that person leaves, which is crushing. no other word for it. eight days later, tomorrow, i will be informed whether or not i am out of a job.

i cannot say that i don't deserve it, but i'm feeling very trashed. my head is swimming. but it's still because of her.

if anything good has come of it, it is that i don't really care about the job part at this point, but i had to lose her and feel horrible to acquire that level of numbness. and she's the person i would've wanted to go through this with. who would have made it okay.

i know that in five or ten years that this will just be a breakup, or a story about how i had a horrible week once. but this isn't then. i'm not there. thinking about how one day it won't be the thought i wake up with and the one i fall asleep to, hurts.

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