maybe if i really focus on the expectation that nothing good will come of it, then nothing bad will come of it then i cannot get hurt.

except that i don't work that way. maybe i should take some meditation classes to become more zen. something.

according to my head i am about eight or nine steps ahead of reality. and my idea of reality is probably three or four steps ahead of what is actually going on.

and all that is subject to a hundred or more decisions, compounded on each other. so all i really have to do is hit the lottery and have the jackpot be the proverbial needle instead of just hay.

and if i talk myself out of it then i might talk myself out of it. and if i don't then, i don't know what then. that's just it.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

you can doubt anything, if you think about it long enough