of course the bit that kept coming to mind was that instead of hanging out with a small group of friends and going rafting with a friend, how nice it would be to hang out with that group of friends with someone else, to go rafting at the last minute with someone else.
it would have been a bit overly-dramatic and self-absorbed and missing the point had i allowed such thoughts to ruin the fun. and i didn't. i had a plenty good time and the thoughts were fleeting and i pushed them away when they crept in. but they were still there and i still thought them and that is how i feel.
i cannot help but wonder where i went wrong. have i actively or passively missed chances or am i missing some hormone that allows me to see the world like everyone else?
i don't begrudge my friends and their happinesses, however they've found them/each other. i only want a bit of it myself. i often find myself enjoying things, places, moments, time with people, and thus being content, but i don't often find myself happy.
hidden cracks that don't show, but..