for my long weekend I spent a lot of time with friends and in the middle of that time went on a spur of the moment whitewater rafting excursion. it was fairly last minute anyway as the reservation was made less than 24hrs before we hit the river, and the drive was close to three hours each way.

of course the bit that kept coming to mind was that instead of hanging out with a small group of friends and going rafting with a friend, how nice it would be to hang out with that group of friends with someone else, to go rafting at the last minute with someone else.

it would have been a bit overly-dramatic and self-absorbed and missing the point had i allowed such thoughts to ruin the fun. and i didn't. i had a plenty good time and the thoughts were fleeting and i pushed them away when they crept in. but they were still there and i still thought them and that is how i feel.

i cannot help but wonder where i went wrong. have i actively or passively missed chances or am i missing some hormone that allows me to see the world like everyone else?

i don't begrudge my friends and their happinesses, however they've found them/each other. i only want a bit of it myself. i often find myself enjoying things, places, moments, time with people, and thus being content, but i don't often find myself happy.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

hidden cracks that don't show, but..