[* - read the intro/footnote (i cannot decide which it should be) first or save it for the end.]

i was thinking of where you are � in time, place, position, life � is a spot just below the leading edge of a bonsai tree, or a vine, or kudzu, or whatever plant makes sense to you. what is holding you up, the trunk and branches behind you, is the entirety of your life to that point.

each choice you make, those made around you, everything provided some amount of change to where you were headed. and no matter what you do, you can never switch where you are. you cannot jump to a branch that went another way, nor alter your present point. what you can do, at times, oftentimes, is influence where you will be at some point yet to pass.

it is interesting (if any of this means anything) that you have no control over where you are at this moment, but only maybe the next one and certainly the ones after that. even then it is almost always an approximation.

at least one bit that is rather daunting or disheartening or maybe even scary at times is that you cannot know what branches (and especially not what branches of branches of branches) you are precluding. at times you can see down the tracks a bit and consciously direct, and other times there are choices that are all but necessary and apparent to continue without a sharp turn. but a lot of very small or individually inconsequential items add up to a significant effect.

i think that the tree analogy popped into my head because i have sawn off (and had sawn) piles of substantial branches and i'm unsure if this is where i should be. whatever that means. another reason i like the tree version is because once provide your input it grows wherever it grows. your control is finite and very limited and after that it is everything else that will put it where it will be.

even though i've thought this out at least far enough to write it down, and it makes sense to me, perhaps i even accept it, it seems very difficult to follow through on.


* - i get a bit excited when i think of something to write as lately i've been rather emtpy-headed. so while this is more for some time in the future when i might run back across this, i realize that it may help to solidify that i am on the low end of the bell curve because of how obvious all of this is. i'd rather write it down and risk making that more public. the end.


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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

things fall apart