every now and then i'll have a thought about some attribute or quirk of mine that makes me take a very loose stock of myself. the only analogy i can come up with is very nerdy as, unfortunately, i have no orangutan analogies handy. anyway, i do not mean that i sit and spend time going over things (think deep virus/file scan), rather just whatever thoughts happen to catch at the moment (think task manager�processes tab).

so i'll think of things that aren't so bad about myself and some things that are (so bad), possibly think of ways to do better, and eventually shrug my shoulders and continue doing whatever it is i was doing before.

one thing that comes up is something one of my exes told me, that i'm too jealous. it has really bothered me, and still does. i think such relationships need some (small) amount of jealousy, if you weren't interested in being the person they spent certain time / energy / feelings with, then what's the point. but the way it was pointed out to me was just how you would imagine, the scary kind. as much as i'd like to say she was just flat wrong, i don't think she was.

i think that it mostly came out of worry or concern, which she always wrote off. and when there is nothing to worry about, that is a fair response. except it ended with her cheating on me. the scenario has happened before with a previous ex of mine as well. and since these relationships have ended i've been concerned that maybe i was some raving jealous lunatic. but it turns out that while i was a bit on edge in both of those relationships, i have yet to find myself concerned, worried, or jealous with anyone else. i don't think that i'm psychic, but it taught me to trust my gut.

apparently i can read people in the longterm, which is better than nothing.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

i got half a mind to scream out loud