last night i had to take a book back to the library. but really i just wanted to get out and drive at night. i miss that. not just here or there but really driving for hours at night. with someone even. or at least to someone.
i don't have the time right now [
or companion for that matter ], but i am looking forward to being able to drive across states and stop at rest stops and gas stations at odd hours in chilly weather. i think i really need to get out of here. fingers-crossed.
so i went out driving, after i dropped off the all-important book, for a good forty minutes. and after i blew up a twisted climb i got to a bit of road outside of the city and its lights. and driving in the near-darkness, i noticed the limited scope i had. much beyond the stretch of my headlights was a dark mass.
and the road coming into view and then disappearing in the red tint of my taillights made me think of heraclitus' idea that one cannot step twice into the same river. time is passing. and my view of life and the world is extremely limited. even though it seems quite broad as it is all constantly hitting me, my view is but a few feet in any one direction. and i think that is a great big reason as to why i am so interested in spending time with someone. as important as i think physical intimacy is to a relationship, and i do, it is the desire for mental intimacy that tugs at the rusted bits clanging around in my chest.
i do miss sleeping with someone next to me. and watching movies on the sofa, and grocery shopping, and being comfortable enough with each other to be playful and sarcastic and sweet and funny. i do, i do, i do. but the only reason any of that matters is because of the mental and emotional connection.
i feel less capable of something new every time something ends.
so many people, after having been hurt, swear off allowing themselves to be open again. and i'm sitting here wondering if i'll ever be capable of being open again. it doesn't feel like it.
i cannot go to the ocean, i cannot drive the streets at night..