something is wrong. even in the desert it gets cold at night. here, at midnight, tuesday morning, it was 85�f (29.5�c). emphasis = at midnight. skip ahead to midnight thursday morning, 90�f (32�c). i want out.
i have recently discovered that i am not a big fan of cooked fish. i have nothing more to say about it, except perhaps the timing is interesting.
i still eat it raw, in case that was unclear. [mmm]
there is this conversation that i've had with at least two other people, that i'd like to have with a few others, but they don't live nearby, and have lives outside of email or inanity, so.. [which is not to say that the people i have discussed this with do not have lives, rather they are too indulgent to rambling ideas of mine.]
anyway, it is basically the question of why should one be honest? which can be changed to why be moral, or even what is a basis for moral behavior. why do something that helps someone else? if religion is a hoax � and maybe it is, maybe it isn't � and there is actually benefit to doing otherwise (i.e. be dishonest), why not do that instead? and if it is just a choice that people have decided upon as good, then it means nothing. and is fear (of the state, of the gods) a good basis for doing or not doing something? it seems a poor reason to me, and yet i'm sitting here and not robbing a bank.
and instead of having this conversation with someone lovely with whom i share my life, i'm typing it here.
i have to fight the urge to say "it really shouldn't be this difficult," but why wouldn't it be? i don't think my wants are so extraordinary, or my qualities so disagreeable, then again, one cannot be the judge in cases involving oneself.
life is not bad, but i am tired of taking care of myself. i miss doing that for someone. cooking a meal together, walking, going somewhere that ends up with driving at night and someone falling asleep in the passenger seat. stopping for gas in a town in the middle of nowhere, getting a blanket for someone, going to a park for no reason, being playful. i've had my fill of alone time. a long time ago. it got old.
fucking come on and break the door down .. . ... i'm ready . .. . .