i've had some thoughts the past few days but none of them are very interesting, they are not connected, and they are not all that lengthy. so, i've put them together and decided to write them in order of impersonal to personal, so when you start feeling uncomfortable, bored, annoyed, you simply walk away and know that whatever you skipped would have been worse. yes? yes.

something is wrong. even in the desert it gets cold at night. here, at midnight, tuesday morning, it was 85�f (29.5�c). emphasis = at midnight. skip ahead to midnight thursday morning, 90�f (32�c). i want out.

i have recently discovered that i am not a big fan of cooked fish. i have nothing more to say about it, except perhaps the timing is interesting.

i still eat it raw, in case that was unclear. [mmm]

there is this conversation that i've had with at least two other people, that i'd like to have with a few others, but they don't live nearby, and have lives outside of email or inanity, so.. [which is not to say that the people i have discussed this with do not have lives, rather they are too indulgent to rambling ideas of mine.]

anyway, it is basically the question of why should one be honest? which can be changed to why be moral, or even what is a basis for moral behavior. why do something that helps someone else? if religion is a hoax � and maybe it is, maybe it isn't � and there is actually benefit to doing otherwise (i.e. be dishonest), why not do that instead? and if it is just a choice that people have decided upon as good, then it means nothing. and is fear (of the state, of the gods) a good basis for doing or not doing something? it seems a poor reason to me, and yet i'm sitting here and not robbing a bank.

and instead of having this conversation with someone lovely with whom i share my life, i'm typing it here.

i have to fight the urge to say "it really shouldn't be this difficult," but why wouldn't it be? i don't think my wants are so extraordinary, or my qualities so disagreeable, then again, one cannot be the judge in cases involving oneself.

life is not bad, but i am tired of taking care of myself. i miss doing that for someone. cooking a meal together, walking, going somewhere that ends up with driving at night and someone falling asleep in the passenger seat. stopping for gas in a town in the middle of nowhere, getting a blanket for someone, going to a park for no reason, being playful. i've had my fill of alone time. a long time ago. it got old.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

fucking come on and break the door down .. . ... i'm ready . .. . .