i have not felt that awful aching chest feeling for a while now; but it has returned. i assume that is what one gets for rehashing and digging up and whatnot. i am sick of it though.

and i do not know why someone has not come along who is not sick of me. maybe this line, this spiel, is nothing more than an illusion i have created for myself. maybe i have set this hurdle up specifically so that i can never get past it. maybe. but i do not think so.

i am tired of talking about it but that is how it is. the best way i can describe it is: you know how when you have a really bad cold, i mean a really bad one, and you are really stuffed up? breathing is difficult, swallowing is difficult because you are that stuffed up, and smelling is right out. sleeping is a chore because you have to lay there with your mouth agape and what seems like a brick tied to your face.

or maybe like a very sharp pain after an injury or surgery that takes days to subside? you can take medicine for either but they only relieve some of the discomfort for a short while and then it comes back.

i am long overdue for something that is both real, and not ending in disaster.

i am not entirely horrible..

and yes, that is my sales pitch.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

i hope that you find your way..