i went out for a bit of a drive this evening, but it was unsatisfying for at least two reasons. i have driven the city too much; and it is too small and too bleh.

there is something about driving for a few hours; in the mountains; in the cold; on winding roads. i miss those conditions as they are not here.

mostly i miss having someone with me on those drives. having someone keeping me sane so that i am not so restless that i constantly want to go drive.

a few days ago, something sparked the idea of trusting someone, and then having it come back to bite you. it was not even the crushing violation of trust, but the resulting feeling that i did something wrong by expecting honesty; especially when i know so many people who would lie to my face at the drop of a hat.

so in the middle of writing this, i read a friend's thoughts. and they sort of fit in with my thoughts the other day. i was wondering if there would be a time when someone would not want to eventually move on, or to be a couple for a little while, but would want to be. with. me. i know i have been wondering that here for seven years now, but to me that just makes it that much more concerning.

i do understand the melodrama of such wondering, but it is an honest concern. as much as i tell myself that it does not matter, it does; a lot. and i am not good at pretending that waiting is fine.

i do not see what is so preposterous except, perhaps, that what i want is no longer widely accepted.


also, newish h#umor, i do not think i have linked to it yet.


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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

somewhere between waking and sleeping