a certain movie i enjoy has the line, "i feel like if somebody were to touch me, i'd dissolve into molecules," in it. and i cannot say that is exactly how i feel, but it is not far off. if intimacy were ascorbic acid, i would have scurvy.

i am in desperate need of contact. hand on someone's knee as i drive, fingers interlaced, a piggyback ride, something. but i am nowhere near intimate with strangers or even friends. that is reserved for the one i am closest to at the time. and no one exists there now.

i know where such interaction lies on my scale of importance, and how difficult it is to find or achieve. yet i still find myself wondering why it is missing from my life. i know better, but i am impatient.

spending time with happily ensconced friends has become mildly torturous. i enjoy being around them as they are good friends and we have a good time; but sitting and watching the exact interaction i long for is, at times, wrenching.

i pretend that i will not mess up something great again, that i will appreciate the situation as much as i should, that i might actually make someone happy and their life better by being around them, but the delusions do not last too long. i am constantly reminded of my faults, and that is probably a good thing. i just wish someone were around regardless.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

the world owes me nothing