no matter how many times i closed my eyes and hoped that when i opened them that it would be different, nothing changed. i had a fairly significant day yesterday. and it ended up being as unimportant as i thought it would be, but only because she was not there to share it with me.

she told me that she should be there, and i always figured that it did not really matter because yesterday was not the important day. everything after was supposed to be. as i sat there, i looked around hoping to see her. thinking maybe she slid into town just to spend that day with me.

it would have been a very special day if she had been there. instead it reminded me how stupid i can be. a piece of paper, and some grades, are useless to me. and yesterday was the pinnacle of it all. i got what i set out to get, and i was alone, and i felt empty; i got what i deserved.

today was supposed to be full of packing, of planning, of getting ready and going. today, and tomorrow and on and on, will be even more days i have missed. and i cannot believe my inability to ever act properly.

i foolishly chose this world that i so often rail against, and it has returned the favor. i fancy myself a romantic. instead, i am worldly, temporal, and crude.

and i am sorry. if it is any consolation, i am suffering for my wrong choices.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

i do not know when to breathe anymore