one thing that has always helped me in the past is my ability to sleep, more or less, at will. while i have often kept odd hours, i could usually shove off when necessary and shut down so my head could process information for an exam; so my body could repair itself from the day's pounding; or, so that i could process just how many mistakes i had made and how i might hope to correct them.

i relied on this ability more times than i care to count. while it could never make up my shortfall entirely, it kept me afloat for some time.

it is now past four in the morning, and my eyes are not yet heavy. the normal aches have not set in. nothing is pulling me to pillow and blanket. and much more importantly, no one is pulling me that direction.

i am soon going to have to make some very serious decisions that will affect my life for years, if not longer, and i do not know how to make them. the decisions i want to make are not mine to decide. the choices i have in front of me are ones i neither care about, nor know how to make on my own.

i should be going over them with someone equally invested in the consequences. instead, there is only one person to decide, and i am sure i do not care.

i could always sleep on it, if i could sleep.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

"But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart..."