there is this phrase, this part of a lyric, that has been in my head, in one way or another, for something like six or seven years. i can distinctly remember having this thought, years ago, while sitting in traffic at the university and jordan intersection. it comes to me at work quite often. and it has been walking around in my head all day.

it does not even really make sense to me why this one line, half really, should stick with me and push its way into my head whenever it feels like it. i know plenty of lyrics, from all sorts of songs. and they do not spring up constantly.

that is the other thing. this is not a song i listen to. i am not even sure i own a copy. and having just checked, i am now sure that i do not. i am positive i have heard the song less than five times, if that, and that i have not heard it in years.

so the line is from a song by john lennon. a song from after the beatles split up. it is,

"I don't believe in Beatles
I just believe in me..."

i usually leave out the second half of it in my head, as it strikes me as so arrogant that it makes me like john less for having said it. but the first half, the "i don't believe in beatles" part, it is something i have yet to gain control over. i cannot be sure what he meant by it, but i think i grasp it well enough for my purposes.

to me it means that he has given up on his dream, his ideal. he tried, reality did not fit with what he expected, and so he was washing his hands of them, so to speak. never to concern himself with them again. of course this was probably as much for show - as it is a song lyric - as it was substantive. but the idea behind it, the point of saying it, sticks with me. when the line goes through my head, i get this uneasy feeling.

and that is the odd part. i sometimes feel drawn to the phrase when i think about it. something about it is attractive to me. perhaps it is because it is a beatles reference, or perhaps because it is so somber. or maybe the temptation to give up is strong and everpresent. so i end up fighting it off. i have thought about using it on here for years. but i have always avoided doing so because i do not agree with it. i do not think that i am so picky with most lyrics i have used, but this one i just cannot put out there as though i do not care.

lately, it has been around almost every corner. its appeal is beguiling. if i just give in to the idea behind it, then i can give up or move on or not care anymore. and it seems so easy. and maybe it is.

but i will never know, because it has no power over me. i will continue to care and to have hope instead. and i gain a little confidence in my hope knowing that, even at such a low point, i have still not inclined myself to such thoughts.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

the darkness of the world i fear