(note: this is more for reference, feel free to read it if you would like, or you can skip this one.)

there have been times when i have gone back to things i wrote years ago and found that i had either forgotten the events, or the thoughts and feelings surrounding them. i just wanted to put something down; so that at least it exists, even if it does not do any good.

if i had to estimate, i would say that something like eight or nine of every ten minutes of every hour that i am awake, every day, i have this feeling. from the second my eyes open in the morning and see my pillow or the wall, to the last few moments when my consciousness fades.

and the feeling is this.. the only way i have thought of to describe it, is that it feels like there is a hole in my heart. while i am quite sure that there is in my proverbial heart, at the moment i am speaking specifically of that fist-sized muscle that sitis just off of center inside my chest. it feels like it is leaking into my body. as if i am only getting a portion of every heartbeat.

it does not go away when i am eating more or less that day. it does not go away if i have had a lot or very little water. it does not even go away when i have been playing basketball, playing to the point where my heart races and i am short of breath and sweat is rolling down my face. it does not go away.

there are brief bits of time when i do not feel it, but it does not seem to come and go. rather, i lose track of it momentarily. it does not matter whether i am discussing things that are pertinent, or if no one in the room knows how i feel. i have actually laughed a fair amount in the last few weeks. i have talked about many other things. behind every word that comes out of my mouth, behind every thought in my head, every expression that seems to indicate otherwise, i feel like less and less is coursing through me.

the only thing that gets me through today is that eventually today will be over. except i am not looking forward to tomorrow. so i do not know where that leaves me. looking forward to sleep; hoping not to wake up, i guess.

that is a pretty dark thought for me, even though i do not mean what it might seem to indicate (well, maybe i don't..) but to be sincere and open, i do have hope and optimism tucked away. but they do not exist much in my head any more. they live mostly in my heart. and i fear they will slowly leak out.

like everything else.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

a murmur