i am not well. that sums up my life.

if you ask anyone that has known me since i was twelve years old, they will tell you that i like to stay up late. that i am a night owl. and i would not argue with that. i don't even think i can tell you why except that maybe i liked the quiet and the solitude. [of course i watched a lot of bad tv and i ate late night snacks and wrote on here, but to be honest, none of that was important or necessary. or at least not necessary to be done late at night.]

and for the past two weeks, almost, i have been scared of night coming. i am not afraid of the dark, i am afraid of what has happened. of what i have done to my life (and her's). as soon as i lay down in bed i have to read. and i have to read for hours until i start falling asleep. if i don't, i won't get to sleep until even later.

i have been sleeping about 5-6hrs a night, which i can exist on. that is not the problem. i cannot get to sleep unless i wear myself out to the point my eyes are closing against my will. and even then i lay there for thirty minutes or an hour just eating myself from the inside out.

i do not get that, 'ahhhh,' that you get after a good night's rest. i do not even get in a good stretch where your eyes squint up until they disappear. as soon as my eyes open - usually before 5.30a - the exact moment they open, my chest hurts. my heart feels empty and my breathing is anxious.

i eat maybe once a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. and it is not a self-imposed restriction. i am rarely hungry, and eating just isn't appealing. i weigh less than i have in nearly a decade.

i am never at ease. not once during the entire day. and i guess it is fitting because i don't see why i should ever be at ease, given the situation.

i have spent my life keeping to myself and only letting very important people know the real me. and so now i have no one. my situation is almost entirely my doing, so hold fast to your pity or your sad faces, i know what choices put me here, and i will regret them.

you might think i would learn by now, but i tell you again, i am a very slow learner. people do not seem to believe me when i say that, but it is true.

i do not like being alone. what i mean is, i have always enjoyed some amount of free time by myself, more or less. but i have not enjoyed that for months, maybe longer. and being by myself in a room, now, is nearly torture.

i would rather feel like this than feel nothing though. so maybe i understand why prisoners want to stay in prison for life rather than get executed. living in hell is better than the only other option.



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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

Though lovers be lost love shall not;