if you ask anyone that has known me since i was twelve years old, they will tell you that i like to stay up late. that i am a night owl. and i would not argue with that. i don't even think i can tell you why except that maybe i liked the quiet and the solitude. [of course i watched a lot of bad tv and i ate late night snacks and wrote on here, but to be honest, none of that was important or necessary. or at least not necessary to be done late at night.]
and for the past two weeks, almost, i have been scared of night coming. i am not afraid of the dark, i am afraid of what has happened. of what i have done to my life (and her's). as soon as i lay down in bed i have to read. and i have to read for hours until i start falling asleep. if i don't, i won't get to sleep until even later.
i have been sleeping about 5-6hrs a night, which i can exist on. that is not the problem. i cannot get to sleep unless i wear myself out to the point my eyes are closing against my will. and even then i lay there for thirty minutes or an hour just eating myself from the inside out.
i do not get that, 'ahhhh,' that you get after a good night's rest. i do not even get in a good stretch where your eyes squint up until they disappear. as soon as my eyes open - usually before 5.30a - the exact moment they open, my chest hurts. my heart feels empty and my breathing is anxious.
i eat maybe once a day, sometimes more, sometimes less. and it is not a self-imposed restriction. i am rarely hungry, and eating just isn't appealing. i weigh less than i have in nearly a decade.
i am never at ease. not once during the entire day. and i guess it is fitting because i don't see why i should ever be at ease, given the situation.
i have spent my life keeping to myself and only letting very important people know the real me. and so now i have no one. my situation is almost entirely my doing, so hold fast to your pity or your sad faces, i know what choices put me here, and i will regret them.
you might think i would learn by now, but i tell you again, i am a very slow learner. people do not seem to believe me when i say that, but it is true.
i do not like being alone. what i mean is, i have always enjoyed some amount of free time by myself, more or less. but i have not enjoyed that for months, maybe longer. and being by myself in a room, now, is nearly torture.
i would rather feel like this than feel nothing though. so maybe i understand why prisoners want to stay in prison for life rather than get executed. living in hell is better than the only other option.
Though lovers be lost love shall not;