also, if this were a personal website i would probably turn comments off for this entry because it just tastes like a pity party to me, and that's not my intention. i actually just want to record these thoughts. so obviously i cannot (easily) stop you from commenting if you'd like, i will say that i'm not seeking kind words. so be as caustic as necessary, if you feel the need to remark.

i had to go to the computer lab yesterday to print something out so that i could read it and then react to it - the assignment i should be doing now in fact - and given a brief and unimportant event this entire chain of thought got its start.

i have no memory of anyone ever coming up to me for the sake of coming up to me. [of course i have, since yesterday, come up with one exception but i will address it shortly.] what i mean is, when someone who i do not know comes up to me it is invariably to get something from me. i should say that i am rarely approached by strangers, but when i am, that is why. i do not find it particularly depressing or isolating, as i purposefully avoid large segments of people, but i do find it rather cold and unsatisfying.

people do not seem to approach me out of any desire to know me or talk to me, only to borrow something, or get something from me. so i have held this idea, for at least a decade, that i am not approached very often because i look mean, angry, or otherwise just unapproachable, whatever that means. but it seems to me that i am also categorized as either an easy mark (a pushover), or at least sympathetic. so i am nice or na�ve enough to exploit, but too mean or angry to bother with for anything else? i am not saying that is not the case, for how would i know, only that it seems a difficult juxtaposition.

of course this leaves me to conclude that it isn't that i look particularly unfriendly - though i may - but that i'm simply unattractive. this fits in with my perspective on myself already, so it is not a particularly bitter thought. i guess the idea there would be that ugly people are not worth conversing with, but are willing to do things for others. i am not stating whether i think this is the case or not, or if it is a good thing or not, only that i think it may very well be the case in general, and often in my experience.

i think the reason this matters to me is that i do not understand how or why people could be interested in me in the few instances that persons have seemed to show such interest. it just does not make sense to me. so i do find it a bit weird that i can grow complacent in such situations (be they acquaintances, friendships or relationships), but at the same time it almost makes sense. they seem to me almost unreal. and more importantly, i think they seem unrelated to me. as in, if someone is somehow interested, then it is wholly their doing, and not because of something i am or have done. i don't recall drastic changes i've made, though some may exist, so i don't see why someone would become so interested in me when the entire rest of my life that simply has not been the case. i think this sort of mindset has not been good for me, and has probably hurt a great number of my relationships (the general all-encompassing use of the word) in one way or another.

the one exception i came up with was that one day when i was around seven or eight, a car stopped next to me (on my bike) and a boy i recognized from my school popped his head out the window. i do not really remember the conversation, but i do remember we became friends. of course it is debatable if that is the reason, but it certainly played a part.

so, i guess i could take the lesson from this that if i want to end this recurring event from being my interaction with the world, then it is up to me to be more outgoing or extroverted or social. and, of course, that brings up the other half.

i have (in one way or another) avoided most people. i can only speculate why i do this, but i will do so. i think part of it is that i grew up entirely in the same place. i had a large family and a small number of very close friends. i think that closeness came to be important to me. coupled with the fact (or perhaps just producing the situation) that i was not popular as a child, i think this idea of closeness was cemented along with the idea that depth and quality of relationships, and not quantity, is what mattered.

added to that, briefly, is that my social and moral standards are not commonly held. for instance, i've often said that i don't drink alcohol. i don't preach against it or shun people who like it, in fact almost every acquaintance or friend i have made since i was twelve is quite clearly pro-drinking. that's fine with me. however, this - and other ideas of mine - is often something i set as a limit for what i'm willing to do just to have fun.

what i mean is, the past few summers some acquaintances, a few friends, and i have played (sand/beach) volleyball on occasion. i know for a fact that everyone (with one exception) beside myself will be drinking and probably end up borderline drunk. yet i go and i play about every time i can make it. my point is, i don't avoid situations because people there are doing things i don't particularly care for, i avoid situations because they are often just not fun for me. i don't go to dance clubs. i don't go to bars (unless the stated reason is to play pool). and by simply cutting out these two specific establishment categories, i have cut out at least half of all public outings by people of my age.

the idea of quality over quantity of relationships along with my ideas of social moral standards, has put me in the position of not having interest in much of what most other people do. so while it is probably my fault that i am fairly isolated because i'm not outgoing, i cannot see how putting myself out there more often is going to reap any real benefits.

i guess i should say this, that is not what i want anyway. all i want is the few, the deep, the meaningful relationships, and acquaintances are fine now and then but not what i am looking for.

i guess it could be said - and reasonably - that i should accumulate lots of acquaintances, which will allow a handful or two of close friends, and then either from those friends or from some network because of those friends and acquaintances, a real core person or persons will come to be in my life. to be honest, i think that is a very realistic argument. i have a small handful of friends. and i have a particular few people who i feel i could trust with my well-being, let alone anything more trivial. and i have a person who is my better half. so, that approach just isn't for me..

i do not know what to make of all this. the feeling i have is that it is neither optimistic nor (too) pessimistic. i won't be arrogant enough to assume it is the reality of things.. ..only that i do not (yet) understand how reality differs appreciably from the previous few paragraphs.

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