it is becoming increasingly depressing and lonely to live where i do. it seems almost every one of my friends goes out of their way to punk either me or someone else on a regular basis. plans will be set only to have them call and blow me off at the last second [or two hours afterward, or never] for something else that they would rather do. i understand things come up. but when things come up every time that you make a plan, that is not doing what you have to do, that is being a punk.

any plans that are made and actually occur must include [by law i presume] alcohol. i do not live in a cave, i know that people drink. i realize that my disliking it will not change anything, and i can ignore people drinking a few every now and then. yes, it is stupid that people must drink to enjoy themselves or to relax. but it is a given in this society, and if geometry taught me anything, it was that a given is not optional.

activities are scheduled and i think it is a fair presumption that the order of importance of most activities should somewhat follow this list:

1. planned activity.
5. alcohol consumption.

ideally, 2-4 would be some ordering of, side activities, having fun, and good conversation, but i will take a straight 1 to 5 jump if it is offered. my friends do not live in this fantasy world of mine, and so the order is reversed without fail. call me what you will but that is moronic.

i know, i know, it is i who have the problem. the best example i have come up with yet is that i really enjoy asian food of all sorts. so every time there is a gathering i either bring or order curry after curry. maybe some sushi, hunan chicken, and pad thai for good measure. and i eat constantly throughout the night. you cannot look at me without seeing me chewing another bite. of course as time passes and i eat more and more, my breath reeks, i stumble, have a hard time interacting with you and when i do i am more and more of an idiot. also, i will vomit just about anywhere my head will turn, i may hit on your best friend - your significant other - or you, and i may ditch you for another curry party across town. but hey, you cannot get mad at me, i was eating all night and i do not remember a thing. and i will make plans with you to do something, but since i was out last night and these plans are at the unbearably early hour of seven-thirty at night the next day, i will be blowing you off.

makes no sense, huh?


if you were to be so lucky as to find an occasion where these people and i were gathered together, and they were not plastered, you can be sure that the following things would be present:

1. a lack of consideration.
2. sexist remarks or actions.
3. dreamy-eyed looks at the alcohol in their cartoon thought bubbles.

i avoid most of the alcohol fueled events, i have been to enough to know there is no point in going. i spare myself as much as i can.

poor pitiful me, i know. not the point. i am quite sure that they are not a good influence to be around even as little as i am. but i feel if i ditch them, i am doing the exact same thing they are. i have been thinking a lot lately about the saying 'you become what you hate.' and that is hard to avoid. these feelings bother me. while i do not consciously let them eat at me, i feel like they have hollowed me out some. they are not completely to blame, but they seem to help my nearly endless ability to be an ass. i'm self-destructive enough. [now only to fix myself.]


"you sure you want to be with me?
i've nothing to give.." -m.


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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here