at the moment i guess i would say i am feeling below [but fairly close to] normal. of course that is a completely arbitrary and relative line i've just thought of, and were it there, where i would be in relation to it. and that is what i came up with. why bring it up, i know.. mainly because i've been so far below the line lately it looked like a dot [i've stolen and paraphrased that, and if you know where from, and even further what the original is in reference to, points for you..] it was a combination of things i think, i hope; i hope whatever chemicals give me such feelings can't just get that high by themselves [or the reverse, of course, chemicals that keep that from happening get that low..] because if it can happen at random, i'm giving up now. so huge assignments in languages i don't know very well along with essay tests on philosophy i haven't been keeping up with and well, school in general, being rather constantly tired and achy from losing my nice, normalish sleep pattern i had going for a few weeks, eating horribly lately [seriously], and of course the ever-present 'girls i would like to do more than chat with in passing' do not know i exist. not that i can really complain about any of it because most of it i've brought upon myself and the rest i'm kidding myself about [you hear me.]

i will say this, even with this past weekend being fairly full [more full than any recent ones], it still left me very empty feeling, not to mention understanding why [or at least one reason they might] people start doing heavy drugs or kill themself. now i feel i must interject the only thing i've been mainlining is orange gatorade and chinese food, and killing myself was never an option i was considering opposite going to the cinema or getting said mainlined items. i only mean the thoughts passed through my head of how they could become options. it isn't as if i've never heard such reasons before, nor is it that i've ever been in a similar state of mind where they might possibly arise as options were my life a bit different. what i mean is that the connection was suddenly made. escapism. to get out of that ditch, that hole, that cavern for a day, a few hours, i definitely see the allure. the shine, the glint, the idea that the corners can be dulled, the edges can dissolve, the colors and sounds can blend and blur and melt, that you can forget [and that you can forget that you are only forgetting] for just a bit, the idea is mind-blowing and tugs at your [or mine, at least] shirt. one of the great things of being is the ability to carry burdens, but having the ability to not feel them for a while would be nice..

i don't think myself all that great for having clean veins or lungs, i just think i'm wired slightly different, and i wonder why and how.. but i see now what you mean.


"it's been a bloody stupid day
don't leave the light on baby
my baby called me up to say
don't leave the light on baby
i'll see you sometime maybe
don't leave the light on baby

it finally dawned on me tonight
best to go down without a fight
i know you will forgive me for my honesty" -b.+s.


< << < : : >> > >
number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

it's not all she said..