on a completely different note, i used to think that those people who dropped out of high school months before graduation were complete morons, and so it made sense to me that they didn't get a diploma. [which is more than a bit stupid to begin with, as the idea of a diploma here in the states is that it is given to everyone who isn't so dumb that they can't give them one. [seeing my explanation, i'm surprised i have one, but never mind..] ] but i think i finally get it, or can get it. of course everyone has their own reasons for quitting something they have put a considerable amount of time [if not also effort] into, but simply being tired is one i understand. to think that i am within an amount of time of having a piece of paper from a university [besides a bill] where it makes sense to use months instead of years to calculate that time, doesn't help at all when i realize that the money being spent on the remaining months of that education could fly me anywhere in the world. i could be in oceania, europe, northern africa, or asia. i could sleep on friends' floors and eat new foods or old food for that matter, or ride public transportation that goes really fast or really slow and uses coins with other languages on them or flags or symbols. i would love to be out of here and of course this is exactly the whine that can only come from someone in some sort of privileged existence, meaning i have a kitchen full of food and a car outside and money [however meager] in my back right pocket. and as much as i hate knowing that is exactly what it is, i can't shut it up.
i think i have a pretty good relationship with my body. of course i now need qualify that. i don't mean i think my body all that great, nor does it do everything i'd like it to. rather, it allows me to do most things, most times. it tells me when it's tired or hungry or [some other requirement or desire] but rarely requires immediate attention. it keeps me informed, and i keep it taken care of, for the most part. except for some reason when i am asleep and no longer in control, [as i can't take control of my dreams, or lucid dream,] it decides to really mess with me. so the night before last i had a dream that when i awoke, i assumed everything that went on in the dream had actually happened the day before. of course i then realized that the evening previous i had not been at my favorite chinese restaurant, more importantly i had not been there with this girl that my mind conjured up for me. this perfect young lady with this amazing smile who hugged me on more than one occasion, with whom i locked eyes a number of times, that had this incredible smell in her hair that i noticed when she was close, this person i felt a real connection with and wanted nothing more than to be around continually. as far as i can tell, it was as real as anything else. and since everything i've experienced has been reduced to interpretation of neural impulses and the flow of chemicals and electricity through my head, i don't see how a dream, which is exactly the same thing, should be treated any different. it was as real to me as sitting in class last night was, and i wasn't hugging an amazing girl. the choice, if you'll pardon the expression, seems a no-brainer.
"i press my tongue to the top of my mouth, cause my jaw was tired from the thinking." -l.l.
you say, i only hear what i want to..