so all i've heard since mid-september [besides it is horrible that innocent people died, i think if we kill more innocent people, things will be great. and, these pretzels are making me thirsty.] is a government official or agency or at least a representative of one of the two stating that there is a continued threat of more terrorist action, usually with lots of exclamation points or some other indication that they mean business. the problem, as i see it anyway, is that these claims are being made with the most selfish of motives, and little if anything else. if these people [and i mean whoever, not just anyone who happens to be from that part of the world, or look like they might be, or have a friend who once visited there as part of a student exchange program, or have an idea that maybe the government here is wrong..] get an aircraft or a bomb or a pyramid scheme of infomercials selling a fat-reducing cooker endorsed by a former world-champion boxer, what exactly are we supposed to do about it? the only thing i can come up with would be to hide, as that would protect us. but we are supposed to continue to work to keep the economy up and going [down the tubes as it is], so that's right out. we aren't supposed to discriminate or violate other people's rights based on the fact that we may think they are involved in one of the afore mentioned schemes [never mind the government is doing exactly that], in which case we are supposed to do nothing, which we already are. so all that we are really being told to do is to continue fearing, until such time as we, your, government, deem it reasonable that you no longer need be blinded by the asinine fear we have told you to have, because then and only then will we be done passing horrible laws and killing people and violating existing laws [including international, domestic, as well as basic human dignities] at our discretion. as long as everything is clear, thanks george, rold gold? [moron.]

on a completely different note, i used to think that those people who dropped out of high school months before graduation were complete morons, and so it made sense to me that they didn't get a diploma. [which is more than a bit stupid to begin with, as the idea of a diploma here in the states is that it is given to everyone who isn't so dumb that they can't give them one. [seeing my explanation, i'm surprised i have one, but never mind..] ] but i think i finally get it, or can get it. of course everyone has their own reasons for quitting something they have put a considerable amount of time [if not also effort] into, but simply being tired is one i understand. to think that i am within an amount of time of having a piece of paper from a university [besides a bill] where it makes sense to use months instead of years to calculate that time, doesn't help at all when i realize that the money being spent on the remaining months of that education could fly me anywhere in the world. i could be in oceania, europe, northern africa, or asia. i could sleep on friends' floors and eat new foods or old food for that matter, or ride public transportation that goes really fast or really slow and uses coins with other languages on them or flags or symbols. i would love to be out of here and of course this is exactly the whine that can only come from someone in some sort of privileged existence, meaning i have a kitchen full of food and a car outside and money [however meager] in my back right pocket. and as much as i hate knowing that is exactly what it is, i can't shut it up.

i think i have a pretty good relationship with my body. of course i now need qualify that. i don't mean i think my body all that great, nor does it do everything i'd like it to. rather, it allows me to do most things, most times. it tells me when it's tired or hungry or [some other requirement or desire] but rarely requires immediate attention. it keeps me informed, and i keep it taken care of, for the most part. except for some reason when i am asleep and no longer in control, [as i can't take control of my dreams, or lucid dream,] it decides to really mess with me. so the night before last i had a dream that when i awoke, i assumed everything that went on in the dream had actually happened the day before. of course i then realized that the evening previous i had not been at my favorite chinese restaurant, more importantly i had not been there with this girl that my mind conjured up for me. this perfect young lady with this amazing smile who hugged me on more than one occasion, with whom i locked eyes a number of times, that had this incredible smell in her hair that i noticed when she was close, this person i felt a real connection with and wanted nothing more than to be around continually. as far as i can tell, it was as real as anything else. and since everything i've experienced has been reduced to interpretation of neural impulses and the flow of chemicals and electricity through my head, i don't see how a dream, which is exactly the same thing, should be treated any different. it was as real to me as sitting in class last night was, and i wasn't hugging an amazing girl. the choice, if you'll pardon the expression, seems a no-brainer.


"i press my tongue to the top of my mouth, cause my jaw was tired from the thinking." -l.l.


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number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

you say, i only hear what i want to..