i don't like being alone in a room. i break down in the shower, so i'm writing this to put that off. i can't sleep in my bed, and i'm only sleeping when my body won't stay awake. i haven't had anything but water for about 65hrs. there is a constant pressure in my head and one sitting on my chest. and basically no one knows. i fake through the day because it's work.

there is this book called hagakure and like most books about ways of being, just about anyone can find something in it that makes sense to them. there's this one that goes something like, ::matters of great concern should be treated lightly. matters of small concern should be treated seriously:: i don't know why that is attractive to me but it is.

in this case i think that i overthought it. i was worried about getting what i wanted and then losing it. so i short-circuited the entire process.

not on purpose, but you only need to fall in that bonfire once to have grave consequences. mistake or not, you will pay.

i'm going to try to shower and come out in one piece.

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