i am not sure if i have come to this conclusion recently, or if it is something i am just noticing now as a concise idea that has been, to this point, an amorphous blob of experiences. and ideally i would like to think of it as the center of a venn diagram of perfectly circular ideas, but anyone who has ever tried to discuss anything of consequence with me knows that my ideas are neither perfect nor well-shaped. ( they are simply correct.) ( or not.)

the idea amalgam is that i find it difficult to carry on discussions of any importance with people who are not smarter than i am; or at least know more about the topic under discussion.

i realize how this sounds, and i am not that bothered because i do not think highly of my mental capabilities. so it is not as though i am looking down my nose at the plebs while i pore over scrolls.

i find it difficult, however, when people cannot, do not, or at least will not educate me or give me a different point of view. it is probably horribly selfish of me, but that is how i feel. i am aware that it may be that i am not looking in the correct manner or at the right time to see what people are offering. i will grant that.

it is worth noting that of the amorous relationships i have been in, each one was with a girl or woman that was smarter than i was at the time. i am not trying to imply that i have since surpassed their stunted mental capacities, only that for the most part i have no idea who they are anymore.

i don't think that i consciously appreciated it then, though i know that i did subconsciously as their mental prowess drew me to each. perhaps it cannot be appreciated in the moment, or not as such anyway, as it could result in a pedestaling of sorts. that is never good.

it is odd, funny even, that i have never really thought of it before, but if i am keeping up a relationship with someone (and by this i mean all-sorts, platonic and otherwise) it is because i feel that they are superior to me in some way, if not many. again, it is not that i walk around mouth agape, nor when in conversation am i dazzled by their brilliance to the point of stupor. but it is there. if someone cannot or will not challenge me in some way, then i find it difficult to hold on to much.

and i am tempted to call that perverse, like i need someone to fight me for me to like them, but that is not the case. as i mentioned previously, it can be as simple as a new point of view on a topic, or getting me to work harder or try something new, or teaching me how to do something. of course, this is not a continual need either.

the more that i flesh this out for myself the more it seems like this is how it is for everyone and i am at the proverbial last stop and the subway cars are packed with people who got it a long time ago. i am okay with that.

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15.12.07
5.30a
number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

i like the way, you look tonight.