and it is nothing that they did, but just everything that went on. they're all married and have children, or are in the last weeks of the process of forming a child's body at this very moment, and there is no closeness between the individuals in said couples. no honest affection.

and so i feel like some sort of leper, as is, but then, i want to be close to someone. i do not want "a glass wall to run the middle of the bed," or for someone to not touch me when i am sleeping. [and yes, that is a direct quote from the evening.]

fair enough, i have never been married, nor do i have children. but i know enough to know that if i ever do get married, i would like to have a wife, not a roommate.

and so the thought creeps in on the drive home, that has been creeping in for a while now. what if i just don't meet the right person? and i don't mean anything by "the right person," just someone. and i know that is borderline theatrical, but it is an honest thought when it comes.

i mean, i know people who hate each other who are together, and while i don't want anything close to that, i do want something with someone. not just, but not not either.

maybe it is better to be lonely than disillusioned. but i think i may be both, and no better off.

i guess what i mean is that.. if there were a way to pull the plug in the bath and just disappear down the drain.. ... .

i've had enough already.

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