i am in desperate need of contact. hand on someone's knee as i drive, fingers interlaced, a piggyback ride, something. but i am nowhere near intimate with strangers or even friends. that is reserved for the one i am closest to at the time. and no one exists there now.
i know where such interaction lies on my scale of importance, and how difficult it is to find or achieve. yet i still find myself wondering why it is missing from my life. i know better, but i am impatient.
spending time with happily ensconced friends has become mildly torturous. i enjoy being around them as they are good friends and we have a good time; but sitting and watching the exact interaction i long for is, at times, wrenching.
i pretend that i will not mess up something great again, that i will appreciate the situation as much as i should, that i might actually make someone happy and their life better by being around them, but the delusions do not last too long. i am constantly reminded of my faults, and that is probably a good thing. i just wish someone were around regardless.
the world owes me nothing