there have been many, many times when i have lived by the idea of not getting my hopes up. and people often precede any positive or potentially positive news with that bit of advice. i will admit to being nave, but not so nave that i do not understand the reason behind the phrase. people do not want to set you up for later disappointment and so they try to keep you from getting excited over something that may be nothing at all. not that anyone else needs it explained, only that i think i get the point.

but i do not think that something is nothing. the possibility is something. it may turn out one way, it may not, but that is how it is with every thing, every opportunity. just because it does not happen does not mean that it is or was nothing.


it has been said that being open to love requires one to be open to the possibility of being hurt. if you are only open to good things, to things that bring you pleasure or happiness, to things that you like, then you are not only stuck in place, but you are also not open to someone else. there will almost certainly never be any one like you, and that is a good thing.

love is made of so many different parts. it seems to me that a considerable slice of it is that interaction with someone that is both different and similar. too different and there is not enough to hold it together very long. too similar and there is no room to change, to grow, to see the world from another perspective. and so, finding a person is risky. it is downright dangerous, emotionally at least. if you hold things back, then you risk losing or altogether missing a person that could have been important. if you open yourself up, then you risk being trampled upon, repeatedly, by the world. it is a nasty game. and i grew tired of participating in it long ago.


no, i do not want my hopes repeatedly dashed. no, i do not want to feel crushed over and over. and no, i do not want to feel like i do now ever again. but i do not see how not getting my hopes up will accomplish any of those. i have seen opportunities pass me by. it hurt. eventually i moved on, somewhat. this opportunity. this dream that was handed to me, while i was awake, on a silver platter, which i did not accept, it is killing me. i do not know how to explain how i feel any more clearly.

i do not know how i will get over us, or what could have been.

i do know that if i ever can, i want to be open and ready. maybe lightning can strike twice. (three times?) maybe. i hope.

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20.05.06
3.10a
number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

luck is a lazy explanation of preparation.