i am twenty-six years old. i feel like i am twenty; in every stupid way possible. i have these options now. they have honestly fallen into my lap. i did not seek them out, and yet here they are. and, especially for a person like me, they are very nice options to have. they are not all that amazing, but beggars like myself would be wise not to scoff at them. and yet, they are pointless to me. if i had these options two years ago, everything would have been so much easier.

i guess that is the point. it was easy. and i still screwed it up.

so two years later, and here i am. opportunities available that i could not care less about, and caring about an opportunity that has been taken away.


i found myself in an odd juxtaposition of feelings earlier. i went driving this evening to, well, to get out i guess. i put some jazz on to drive to and it helped me relax some. and as i drove down the narrow downtown streets, past the church and the houses that we had walked by so many years ago, my chest tightened up and heart ached and i got anxious and sad all at the same time.

as i drove up the mountain, still listening to the same smooth quartet, i felt hopeless. and then i found myself playing cat-and-mouse with a motorcycle down the winding two-lane road that snakes down the back of the mountain. i did not notice at first how fast we were going but downshifting to make the twenty-five mph turn at forty instead of seventy-five, i felt my brakes fade drastically as i tried to slow for the corner. and for that moment when i was not sure if my car was going to make the corner, the trees at the sides of the road still whipping by, and the turn signs reflecting the glare of the single headlamp behind me, i caught myself. very slightly. and very vacantly. smiling.


all i want is my life back. i do not think that is too much to ask. until then, it is becoming increasingly difficult to care about anything else.

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i am in a weird place.

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