and for a few days where i was so stressed out of my mind finishing work and studying and sleeping through exams, it seemed better.
or, i should say, it was overwhelmed for that bit of time.
but i am not interested in stuffing my life full of crap so that i can pretend everything is okay.
i am glad that i am not to the point where i can just turn it off. i am happy to know that it means so much to me; that i am still warm-blooded; that pain and rejection do not affect my capacity to feel.
i broke my collarbone years ago, and i remember kicking my bed in pain as i moved wrong one night, the two pieces of bone sliding across one another. i remember yelling into my pillow when, hours after having my wisdom teeth taken out, some ice cream touched one of the nerves.
the pain was so intense that i felt trapped. i felt there was no way out. if i left it alone, in either case, it throbbed and ached constantly. and i could not go after the source of the pain without causing much more.
and so i am trapped. if i leave it alone, my mind yearns, my heart sags in my chest, and my chest feels heavy and yet empty at the same time. if i go after her, it will drive her away and i will lose what small place in her life that i have.
i do not want anything i have, and all i want has decided not to want me. nothing is safe anymore. not my heart, not my mind. and certainly not me. i am ruined.