i have met with disagreement in my attempt to discuss happiness, or contentment. i do not think i will change any opinions, but i would like to summarize for clarity and my own piece of mind. again, feel free to skip this if it bores you.

i first need to point out, as a preface of sorts, that i do not think that there is such a thing as a soul mate, or one particular person for each individual. so if i say something like: the person or the relationship please note i mean that person or that relationship as opposed to them in general.

so, at least one person has said to me (and i am paraphrasing wildly) that my claim that a relationship is necessary for happiness or contentment is biased by recent events. also, that expecting a relationship to bring one happiness is crazy, that must be done by and for oneself. and that one can be perfectly happy outside of a relationship. i think those are the main points i will address.

first, and briefly, yes, lately my choice of topic is heavily biased by recent events in my life. (it would almost have to be.) however, i do not think that my conclusion(s) are any different than they will be a year from now, nor any different than they were before, albeit i was not as attentive or open in the past about my thoughts on the subject.

second, i would agree that it is crazy to think that just adding a relationship will bring happiness or contentment to a person who previously feels otherwise. i do not think that someone who has settled upon being unhappy will ever find happiness outside of themself. i agree that it has to begin internally, and that the person must take responsibility for their own happiness.

third, i think that one can probably find a semi- or temporary happiness outside of a relationship. what i am not so sure about is the stability or strength of that happiness. and what i am sure about is that it is not as deeply-rooted or as fulfilling as it could be. i hope i can quickly say why i think this is the case.

going back to the point that one must achieve one's own happiness by oneself before expecting something from the external.. i agree, in terms of a mindset or an outlook, one must choose to want to be happy. but choosing and wanting are not enough. once one is determined to be happy, it becomes much easier to find that happiness. that much seems clear to me.

so i agree that it is up to the individual to set themself up properly. (be it mentally or emotionally, etc.) my point is that while it is up to the individual, it cannot be achieved alone. it is dependant on another, or, if you prefer more generally, on others.

these other people cannot give you anything entirely. and the wrong person/people can certainly take away from what you have. but the right person, the right relationship, that is where your happiness is found. not because you have a significant other, but because that other facilitates the growth of your happiness just as you facilitate theirs.

the reason i think that happiness outside of this framework is either semi- or temporary is because it is often based upon things that have no place in providing real or lasting contentment. i think we could rule out "spending time with one's friends" as a basis for happiness because if dependency upon a relationship is not acceptable to you, then this clearly falls under the same scrutiny. if it is drugs and alcohol that bring you happiness, and it is not clear to you that this is not happiness, then i need not say more. if you enjoy your stuff, be it media, travel, shopping; i think that can be lumped together as diversionary and somewhat similar to drugs and alcohol. i mean that these are just filling a void and are temporary fixes until the next thing helps you out for a few days. same goes for food, or empty sexual experiences. as for things like school, work, social groups, they may all be important in one's life, and some may even be necessary, but focusing on any of them to the extent that they take over one's life just shows how destructive they can be, even when necessary.

my point is not that these things cannot be part of one's life if one wants to be happy. what i am saying is that these sorts of things are experiences to be had, and not reasons for getting out of bed in the morning.

the reason to get out of bed in the morning is to make breakfast for the person you love. or to pack their lunch. or to take the bus with them. or to get to work so you can get home early and spend time with them. certainly there will be high points and lower ones, but happiness is more than cupcakes and fireworks. it is joy. and that exists over time. it is not siutational.

and so, while in the past i have acknowledged the 'you are responsible for your own happiness' part of the equation, i left out the, 'but it is necessary to have another, and to be that person for that other.' and here we are. and i feel like i am slowly dying. but i never quite do.

having said all of that, if you disagree with it (entirely or in part), i have no problem with that. i welcome any criticism or response or thoughts that it might generate. i honestly believe what is written, but it may be just that..

-





i do, however, think that there are a very few people with whom one may find joy.



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19.04.06
1.13a
number 9.. .   .? andy andy andy, get your adverbs here

Ich liebe dich..