most nihilists and criminals act immorally, and conform with the state of the world. most nice people who act morally also conform with the world's standards. very few if any act morally (or more ideally supermorally), not submitting to the popular routine.

i am no where near that third category. and i do not pretend to be close to it. but i do feel that i have gotten to a point where i understand it is the goal. this probably makes it seem as though i think that i am more enlightened or smarter or better than others. and that just is not the case. while i am fairly sure that others have their faults and they lack in certain areas, i am reminded daily that i am lacking, and that my deficit is more extensive than i can understand.

i have made wrong choices, even with a lot of information, many reasons, and outside opinion telling me otherwise. i have done things that i am not proud of. i have never been the person i wanted to be; and more importantly i have never been the person i needed to be. i have hurt myself, and i have hurt other people. i have not learned from my mistakes and i continue to be a shadow of who i should be.

and a lot of this is because i have chosen to rely on the wrong things.

the world is not safe. the only haven is who you are with. most friends, most acquaintances, even most relationships do not provide better protection than the rest of the world. we just assume they will because we know those people. and yet they are no different from any one else. but when you find those very very few with whom you find real safety, you must assume your life depends on them. because it does. and it will.

-