i have spent some time in the past few days with a few people who used to be my friends. people who i regard more and more as people i have known for a long time, but have less and less in common with as time goes on. three are married. say what you will about marriage, that's not my point. we can assume they are in serious committed relationships if that helps you. but each one of the couples, in the first few minutes of being around them recently, seem to work well together. even fairly equal and respectful. warm towards each other. as it should be as far as i am concerned. but then one guy talks of other naked women, another couple sees nothing wrong with a drunk friend slapping the wife's butt, and the third woman seems not to care that her husband may very well have a girlfriend in another town.
now i know that relationships are not perfect. and i do not honestly expect them to be. but to have so little care for the one person you should care most for seems to me a horrible wrongdoing. it is rather depressing to think [perhaps realize?] that this is the world. that most people live like this, or would given the opportunity. and i wonder if they ever knew better than to live that way, or if it is viewed as nothing wrong.
i wish i learned faster. i think i often know the facts, but i do not understand them. i cannot see them in the actual world, only the theoretical. my stupidity is quite astounding to me, but probably just 'on par' with the majority of society. not that i am any less stupid, only the more deplorable.
i can and do care. i think i care a great deal. but i became part of the world. i forgot what takes priority. and i can never take back my [in]actions. but i can apologize. and i am sorry.
"the sky turns grey
where i end
and you begin" -r.
x will mark the place