[i can't stop clapping.]

so today a friend of mine and i decided to head about 1.5hrs south to see a some parts of a small film festival, and then we were going to go over to his aunt's house (who lives about twenty minutes away.) we ended up having incomplete directions and went to his aunt's house earlier then we had planned. our plan was to hang out there, and then get complete directions and then hit the aforementioned festival. [to preface the rest of this, i'll say we didn't make it out of there until 9p, and didn't feel like seeing one or two (at most) short movies, let alone pay to do so (albeit a small fee) only to get home later and more tired.] so anyway, his aunt and her stepdaughter were the only one's at home, the stepdaughter is six. she seemed to somewhat favor me, as far as kids hanging out with new people do, perhaps you know what i mean if you've spent time with kids. perhaps not. at any rate, it was probably because i sat in the back seat with her while my friend and his aunt were up front talking and driving (respectively), and i basically played with 'k' (the six-year-old) in the back. so we played with my keys and my ring, and her hair clips. and i 'wowed' her by making one of my fingers 'disappear', and the fact that i could add any two numbers she threw at me. and she got me to tie her shoe, though she could have done it perfectly well, and to tickle her, and pretty much have little kid conversation-bits (because it's hard to keep a kid's attention on one thing for long.) and when my friend and i were getting ready to leave, she kept telling me (and others) that she didn't want me to go, and that she wanted my friend to leave (the one with actual blood-relation to the house owner), and for me to stay. she was too cute. what i want to know is, is how come no one in my age demographic wants any of this from me? [mind you, the two events are completely separate in my mind, she is a childish type of cute six-year-old, i'm now speaking of a hypothetical cute twentyish-year-old.] how come no one my age wants to see my keys and ring, to put a hairclip in my hair, to have a long (though real) conversation with me, drive around for an hour or whatever, tug on my sleeve and tell me they don't want me to leave; that they want me to stay? what - the fuck - happened to the people who were six in the mid-eighties?

i went to a party last wednesday evening, well a gathering of a group of my friends who were drinking and listening to awful music too loud, while having the tv on mute. i was desperate to get out that night if it isn't readily apparent. occasionally the conversation is good, so i went. the same people who always get smashed did not disappoint, (or continued to do so, as the case may be,) but in general the conversation was fairly good, so, i'll take that. yeah, and at one point the only ones in the house were the only other sober friend, a semi-drunk friend, and myself, for everyone else was out in the front yard. i turned the crap/music off and started flipping through the channels because the conversation had reached a lull, and i came across commentary on the then recent presidential debate. and the only other person watching what was on was the other sober friend and he proceeded to condescendingly ask me what i was thinking. now i realize this was a party and people want to have fun, but no one else was in the house, and i'm being made to seem as the idiot just because i give a fuck.

i highly recommend it, though it ended up that the top two people most like me in opinion are gore and nader (one of which i plan to vote for, not sure at this point,) it also has a lot more information so you don't have to just trust the matcher, you can look at their opinions and some quotes for yourself. go. now.]

i like mix cds. especially mine, because i make them with songs i like (i know, go figure.) mind you i like them from other people, but fat chance on that, so i'll make do. they're great for road trips. currently being translated by my temporal lobe, hooverphonic. also, i gots me a copy of 'what happened was...' and plan on watching after i finish this up, but i'm also dead tired. [read: of the last 32hrs, i've been awake 29hrs, driving 4, and asleep 3.]

how come memories attached to tangible items take so long to fade? yesyes, i get that probably because the item doesn't just disappear. and i get that having memories last so long only help me to see that what i had and lost was about as close to great as possible, so i won't fuck up next time [knock on wood.], or if i do, i can't say i wasn't warned. case in point, on my latest mix cd, love theme/arrest - 'Elizabeth soundtrack'. it's only a very loose connection, but i'm fighting off tears while i'm driving whenever that comes on, i find it soothing yet also troubling and can't get to sleep when it's on, because i'm too busy remembering, and thinking, and missing, and wishing one of my arms was wrapped around something other than the pillow under my head. and i know you're out there, because i can hear you breathing when i'm trying to fall asleep.. trying to pretend i don't.

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